Running vs Searching

imageI have a very close group of friends. The kind that you tell everything to. You know, that embarrassing, startling, post worthy type of thing. We laugh a lot. We cry sometimes. We cuss more than any of the Marines I ever worked with. But above all there’s an accountability among us that is unrivaled.

The other day while we were discussing life changes one of the six called me out as , “always running.”  This caught me completely off guard. Anyone who knows me deeply knows I’ve never run from anything a day in my life. If anything, I’m a “stick my head in the sand” kind of girl. I will fight for the underdog until I’m bruised and bleeding. If the entire room is against Satan I’ll find a way to remind everyone that he was once an angel therefore likely there’s good in there…. somewhere. And believe you me,  I will fight to pull that good out. I will fight. Some would argue that it’s what I’m best at.

Why than would she, one of my closest, think that I’m a runner?  For me, running means that there is something illbegotten to leave behind. Perhaps it is; trauma,  maybe there’s a void to be filled, anger, pain or poor circumstance.  It could be anything as long as the end result is needing an escape.  I however, do not need an escape.

I am a 32-year-old Godly woman.  Before any of you theologians go off on a tangent about a void that only God can fill. I was born and raised in the spirit. His spirit floods me. My search is not for a being. I’m not in search of a man or a counterpart of any kind to fulfill me. I am in search of something bigger.  Something that accentuates me.  Something that complements me. Something that captivates me in a way that I know it’s truly the best part of what’s out there.  What is it exactly? I have no clue.  But I know that I will know it when I see it.

I own half a dozen properties and then some.  I have a steady, self provided, income. I have 2  BEAUTIFUL children that I am the sole provider and custodian over.  The place I currently live is like vacation every day; beautiful views, great music, amazing people, daily time on the lake or river and hiking.  I travel at will and my children not only enjoy joining me but they flourish.  My extended family is amazing.  I have about 1 billion nieces and nephews surrounding myself and my children.  My friends are of the caliber most people will never know in their lives. I am, by any definition, a one percenter. Despite all of this… I love to go.

Having beers with another friend of mine and recounting this story it was brought to my attention that from the outsider’s perspective running and searching may look very similar.

So please, allow me to clarify. There is nothing behind me that I fear. I regret nothing. There’s nothing I NEED to leave behind.  When I am “in” on something I am all in. I leave it all on the floor. And when it’s time to walk away I’m 100% prepared to never look back. This is a choice.

I am searching not running.  Searching for something so much bigger than me. For something that I know was designed and ordained for me. For the familiarity that my soul will recognize and that causes me to root.  I am searching not running. So come on, spend some time #exploreeverywhere and search with me.

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5 comments

    • Thank you SO MUCH! I wish you knew how much your kindness and support means to me. I love that we can empower one another. THANK YOU for following the story here. You are missed. Looking forward to reconnecting when I am back stateside

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