Someone read my blog yesterday and responded with a brief text about how I was, “living defiantly.” Bare in mind I heard opinions on my life choices from many of you yesterday. I do take them all to heart with sincerity and weight. I seek the discernment and wisdom of your cumulative experiences. Your experiences have given you a knowledge I’ll never have. However, I have learned to balance that against my own desires and needs.
Coming from him this was actually quite the compliment. A moving sentiment and support. How can I know this to be true? Because he followed that text with a phone call. Real. Live. COMMUNICATION. The key to keeping all of these relationships functioning over this next year. He may be new to me but there’s already a soft spot for the way he knows me and more importantly chooses to support me.
My life has, until as recently as these last few weeks, been a concentrated focused on how I enhance others. Where I can be of use, where I can contribute to their beauty and uplifting or something as simple as how my presence could shape and form the joy they experienced in their day has driven me. A recent epiphany has me motivated to alter that mentality. I can love [see my blog on this word] “you” freely and unconditionally while still feeding myself with as much (if not more) intention.
In self reflection I now know that my (previous) marriage materialized for all the wrong reasons. I was too focused on; the good it would do my [step] son, the best friend relationship my ex shared with my father and the “safety” of the high school crush aspect….the external pockets of happiness. Pleasing all the wrong people before caring for myself.
Let me be extraordinarily clear: THIS WAS MY FAULT AND MY CHOICE.
But it was the wrong choice never the less. By grace I have had the opportunity to learn from the exchange with minimal damage but that isn’t because I took the path of least resistance. I’ve been warrioring since the day I was born. I threw myself haplessly into the role every chance I got. Choices. Now, it’s time to do that again, this time with a much different focus….me.
I hear that you don’t want me to go. I know that it’s because you love me. I understand that many of you believe proximity is the only way to demonstrate love. But I am different. I am an anomaly. I have so much room and so much love in my heart for all of you that proximity could only squelch it. I need to grow, to spread my wings, to learn how to love in different ways and how to express it in different ways.
I’m being called so ferociously by this magnetic force out into the world that if I don’t respond I feel like the universe will draw and quarter me. I don’t intend to leave anyone behind. I’m even trying to encourage some to join. Hence, the purpose of this blog. I am always just one technological reach away. I am moved by, inspired by and enamored by you all. This travel will not take me away from you. This time will feed my soul. It will create a new joy for me and will fuel a portion of me that I have denied for so long. I know you want that for me. I hope you understand but more importantly I hope you continue to feel my love and my presence regardless of distance because even though my body wanders my soul goes no where. I’m still deeply invested in you all.
A journey without an end is just a life long adventure.
As always please; share, comment and follow. I have a desire to be interacting with you.